I wish I only lived at night.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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