I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
