The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
