You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
