I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
