There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
