I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
