I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
