Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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