I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Success! We fucked roommates!
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