fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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