i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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