I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
