Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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