Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i need some magic done to my vagina
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
