Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
