you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
