thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves