If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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