You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
