TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
