I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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