in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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