You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
