The maid of honor just puked.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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