Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
