No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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