can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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