Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
