is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
