I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
This house was built for laser tag.
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he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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