woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
