My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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