im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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