I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
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I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
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Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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