I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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