I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
