this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
