Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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