This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
