I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
