I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
