If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
