just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
