it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
