She is in my trunk
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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