dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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