I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
