Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just gift wrapped bread.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
