I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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