my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
did you just send me my own nude
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
