There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
