Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
