Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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