I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
