one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
